Two Couples
(INT: TWO PRIVATE, ADJOINING
HOTEL ROOMS)
(YOUNG COUPLE ENTERS THEIR
ROOM WITH ONE SMALL BAG
APIECE. THEY LOOK AT THE BED,
AT EACH OTHER, AND GIGGLE)
(HE GESTURES GRANDLY TO AN
IMAGINARY BELLBOY)
MALE
There you are, my good man. Keep the change!
(SHE LAUGHS APPRECIATIVELY)
FEMALE
Did you get a load of that creep at the front desk? (SHIVERS) He looked right through me. Yuck!
(THEY SHARE A LAUGH
AT HIS EXPENSE)
(HE SPIES SOMETHING)
MALE
Check this out! An opener!
(SHE APPEARS DELIGHTED
AND AWED)
MALE (CONT'D)
And, mints! Ah, yes,
sweets for the sweetie
in the suite!
(HE ROMANTICALLY FEEDS
HER ONE, TOM JONES STYLE)
FEMALE (REFERRING TO THE MINTS)
Well, those are new.
MALE (PUZZLED)
New?
FEMALE (OFF GUARD)
I mean, different. New. Different. It's all the same.
MALE (SHRUGS)
There's so much to learn about each other. I can't wait!
FEMALE
I guess it was smart to do this before tying the knot.
MALE
It's our pre-nup!
FEMALE (POINTEDLY)
Our only pre-nup!
(NERVOUS PAUSE)
MALE (TENTATIVELY)
Uh, well?
FEMALE
Why not?
(SHE POPS TAPE INTO CASSETTE
AS THEY START TO DISROBE)
(SFX: RAP SONG: "ALL I WANTA DO
IS PUT THE BOOM BOOM BOOM
IN THE ZOOM ZOOM")
(THEY EMBRACE AND FREEZE)
(OLDER COUPLE ENTERS THEIR
ROOM WITH A GREAT DEAL OF
LUGGAGE AND THE AFFECT OF
IRRITATED BUSINESS TRAVELERS)
(THEY LOOK RUEFULLY AT THE
BED, EACH OTHER, AND AWAY)
FEMALE (GROUCHY)
At these prices, you'd think they'd have a bellboy.
(SHE IMMEDIATELY USES
THE OPENER ON A BEER.
HE GRABS AND SWALLOWS
ALL OF THE MINTS)
MALE (GAMELY)
It's good to see Pervert Pete is still manning the front desk!
(THEY LET THEIR GUARD
DOWN AND LAUGH AT THE
SHARED MEMORY)
(THIS CATCHES THEM UP
SHORT AND THEY LOOK
AROUND AWKWARDLY)
FEMALE (SOMBERLY)
It was right to do this. It started here. It should end here.
MALE
Our post-nup, heh.
(THEY LISTEN TO THE
GROANS FROM THE NEXT
ROOM WITH ENVY)
MALE
They'll wear it out at that rate!
FEMALE (BITTERLY, TO HERSELF)
Speak, Memory!
(TENSE PAUSE)
MALE (TENTATIVELY)
Uh, well?
FEMALE (SIGHS)
Oh, why not?
(SHE POPS TAPE INTO CASSETTE
AS THEY START TO DISROBE)
(SFX: JANE FONDA WORKOUT)
(THEY BEGIN TO EXERCISE)
(YOUNG COUPLE FEMALE IS
CLEARLY DISSATISFIED.
HIS ATTENTION HAS BEEN
CAUGHT BY A TELEVISION)
FEMALE (MIFFED)
Well, your other pacifier is here.
MALE
What's the harm? It came with the room.
FEMALE (TO THE TV)
Was it good for you?
MALE (OBLIVIOUS)
We're in luck! Studs!
FEMALE (INCREDULOUS)
You are joking.
(HE'S NOT. SHE LOOKS
AT HIM. THEY STARE
AT THE TV FOR AN
AWKWARD MOMENT)
FEMALE (GAMELY)
This room is where our memories will begin.
MALE (GRANDLY)
It's ours to create. A virgin tapestry.
(SHE EMITS A ROUGH,
SPONTANEOUS LAUGH, HE
REACTS, SHE SHRUGS SHEEPISHLY)
(THE NOISE OF THE WORKOUT,
SOUNDING LIKE LOVEMAKING,
COMES THROUGH TO THEIR ROOM)
FEMALE (ENVIOUS)
They'll wear it out at that rate.
MALE (VERY CONCERNED)
Really?
(SHE SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISBELIEF)
THE MALE IN THE OLDER COUPLE
QUITS EXERCISING, EXHAUSTED)
FEMALE
Done already?
(HE LOOKS AT HER WITH
ANGER, AND FLICKS ON
TV. SHE PAUSES, THEN
JOINS HIM AS THEY IMITATE
THE AUDIO PORTION)
(CLICK)
FEMALE (MOCK HAWAIIAN DUMB VOICE)
What we do now, Steve?
MALE
Book 'em, Danno!
(CLICK)
BOTH TOGETHER
(DICK VAN DYKE THEME MUSIC)
Da da da de da da da...
FEMALE (AS HAPLESS MARY TYLER MOORE)
Oh, Rob! Oh, Mr. Grant! Oh, Shit!
(THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER
AND BEGIN TO GIGGLE)
(THE YOUNG COUPLE
LOOKS AT EACH OTHER WITH
LITTLE TO SAY. SWITCH ON TV)
(CLICK)
V.0. (ANNOUNCER)
American Gladiator is brought to
you by the letter "R"...
(CLICK)
V.0. (ANNOUNCER)
...proud sponsor of the Home Shopping Network's first annual Telethon...
(CLICK OFF)
(THEY STILL HAVE NOTHING
TO SAY TO ONE ANOTHER)
(THE OLDER COUPLE LOOKS
AT EACH OTHER)
MALE (PLAINTIVELY)
Maybe if we'd had kids...
FEMALE (QUICKLY)
We don't need kids.
(THEY FREEZE)
(THE YOUNG COUPLE
LOOKS AT EACH OTHER)
FEMALE
Maybe when we have kids.
MALE (QUICKLY)
We don't need kids.
(THEY FREEZE)
(EACH COUPLE LOOKS AT
EACH OTHER WITH NEW
FOUND INTENSITY)
SFX: Paul Simon's "Train in the Distance."
(THE YOUNG COUPLE TURNS AWAY
FROM EACH OTHER. THE OLDER
COUPLE EMBRACES AS,
WE FADE OUT